Open Road of Life: 082913-091413

As I start to do my final preparation for my trip, some are still concerned and worried about the whole experience. 

Although I have explain quite a bit, not everyone sees the real purpose of the trip I am about to undertake.

I have been explaining that I need time for myself. It can probably sound selfish to a lot of people, or that perhaps I am running away from things, responsibilities, problems. 

I found this quote online that I think can explain this best.  “Not all those who wander are lost.” ~J.R.R. Tolkien

Yes I need this journey or time away from expectations, people, to find myself. Not that I am lost. I was lost last winter for 3-4 months, not really knowing who I was anymore. But the fact is, I did not know who I was before I reached that point. The best way I can describe it, and I have talked about this in great details with my therapist, is that I am finally aware. Before the my life changing experience of last winter, I was living my life not to fulfil my own destiny or expectations, but living it for others. Doing things that I thought were the right things to do, not for myself, but to fit inside that box that is life. You grow up, you go to school, you go to college or university, you get a job, find a husband or wife, get married, build a house, have children. I am not saying this is not part of my journey or life anymore, or that I don't want some of those things, but I have never stopped before and asked myself what I really wanted to do. FOR ME, MYSELF and I. 

When I was younger, for whatever reason, I was so afraid of leaving my parents, even just for a sleep over at my cousins place. I knew I was going to be into a secure place, but for whatever reason that I am still not able to explain right now, it scared the shit out of me. Yes I was afraid, I am not sure of what, but perhaps of the uncertainty, insecurity that I had within myself, the lack of confidence, etc. Now that I look back, those issues are not factors anymore. I have learned that life is unpredictable, and uncertain. That the only thing that is really sure in life, is that perhaps, we will all die at some point or another. 

I have been living my life after this past winter's experience, with a more open mind, open soul and spirit. I follow my instincts a lot more, my intuition, my feelings. I must say this might sound easy, but it a very difficult thing to achieve, to LET GO, to be VULNERABLE. Being vulnerable is not something that I had allowed myself to be before. I always felt that I had to be strong, that I had to be that perfect girl with the good grades in school, that brushed her teeth 5 times a day, that never caused any problem. 

To be honest, I never really had a teenage crisis. Perhaps this is my crisis, mid-life crisis at 30 years of age. All because of this awareness, and it is driving people insane, because I am stepping outside that box that I was "trapped" into for all those years. People that see me on a daily basis, that were used to the "old" me find it very difficult to adjust. I must be honest, it is an adjustment for myself as well, all that new energy, new way of living, living in the moment. Some have said that it looks like I don't know what I will do from one moment to the next, and really, I don't know. The last month, after my job lost, have allowed me to live that way for a little while and I think this is what enable me to move past that experience quickly. To make peace with what had happened and see that the future holds much greater things for me and that the experience from the last winter was the perfect preparation for what was to come. 

So I think that my trip across Canada will allow me to make trace the line between this old way of living and my new way of living. Make peace with all those things from the past that I was carrying around in that "backpack" of mine. Prepare myself mentally for the journey that is ahead of new work, life with my husband, my new house and prepare myself for not knowing what will come next. 

I am lucky that I have great family and friends around that support me, I think, although they probably don't understand everything. I think to them I just want to say that the only "thing" that is going on with me, it that I am MYSELF and I am allowing myself to be ME and only me. Allowing myself to be vulnerable. I truly understand and respect that you are looking to comprehend what is going on, but perhaps there is nothing to understand, perhaps there are just things to LET GO. Let go of all your expectations, let go of all the  small realities that you are believing in. I know it is difficult, because we like to have something to fall back to, we like to know, we like to be in control. Well, the only thing we can really control is ourself. Our own emotions and our expectations of ourself. Because expectations from or of others are just what they are, expectations. You can not be happy unless you are fulfilling your own expectations and living your life like YOU really want it to be. 

So this trip for me, is about that, fulfilling my own expectations, allowing myself to live in the moment, with perhaps some friends, some strangers or by myself for most of the time. Not knowing what tomorrow will bring, because to truly experience "AMAZINGNESS", you have to LIVE in the moment, totally invest yourself in it, without thinking of what will come out of it , just knowing that because you are experiencing it to the max, you will grow in some ways. 

I have been able to accomplish this in the last few months, sometimes meeting people for just a few minutes, but experiencing the energy to a whole new level that is is almost crazy. In that small moment, you can connect with people like you have never had before, just because you are allowing yourself to open your heart and your soul. I think of them sometime and it gives me goosebumps just thinking about it. 

So I promise to all of you that are worried, that I will behave like myself and will let you know where I am, perhaps just with a small text message or a posting on facebook. If I feel like calling I will, if you call and I feel like answering, I will but don't get offended or hurt if I do not answer right away. Those who I love, you know who you are, and still love you and you can always count on me when you need me and even when you don't need me. This journey for now, is about myself, 2-3 weeks, it is not the end of the world, it is the start of a new life, a new journey, it is the open road of life!

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” ~Mark Twain

  

Leaving on the 29th of August, returning on September 14th at the latest! 

I will be posting some blogs along the way, when I feel the moment is right.