The Everyday Struggle of Living with Anxiety
I started writing this post a few weeks ago, but today as I was 'battling' with this ball in my stomach caused by anxiety, I found the inspiration that I was looking for to complete writing it.
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I was reading this blog post by Clara Hughes a few weeks ago. Clara Hugues who is the face of the Bell Let's Talk campaign on Mental Health and Illness, was telling us that she needed to take a break. After some physical health problems and the Bell Let's talk campaign, she was taking a step back from all of it, to deal with a relapse into depression.
We all know Clara for her big smile, upbeat personally, ambassador for Mental Health and other amazing organization, Olympic Medalist on multiple occasions and just tremandous athlete. She has had struggles with mental illness since her young age. It's hard to believe coming from at person who we would have all thought was a rock and really un-breakable, before reading about it and hearing her talk about it.
It goes to show, that mental illness doesn't always have a face, and often, we can't even tell from the outside, that a person is really struggling on the inside. It also goes to show, that even if you have a strong sense of awareness of your issues, and have learned how to 'deal' with it, we can all have days where it creeps in, gets to us and bring us down.
-
He's dealing with anxiety. It was said so carelessly, like when we diagnose ourselves with a cold or a flu. Not that the person who was saying it didn't care, but I don't think she truly understood what it meant, living with anxiety.
Anxiety is more complex than just a word. It's not a label you put onto someone's struggle. Until you've experienced it, it's really hard to explain the immensity of the battle. The immensity of the weight it puts on a person that has been living with it through it's whole life.
It can really stop you in your tracks. You have this feeling that there's a big hole in your soul. That hole will manifest itself in many circumstances. It paralyzes you. For example it will stop you from making a simple decision, because you can't figure out what you really want. It will stop you from attending some social events, because you have a have already difficulties living with your own thoughts and the fear of having to face other people is just too much to bear. It makes everything just so much bigger than it really is, much more complicated. It's incredible, that your mind can have such a grab on your life.
It's also very hard to find a way out of it. Some will and others will face the struggle through their whole life. If you are lucky enough, to find the help or decide that it's time to change some things, it will be very hard work and often scary because you have never been in touch with your emotions before and your soul. I was lucky enough to find a way out, not before hitting rock bottom.
-
I remember as a young child and adolescent, how much I was terrified of doing anything that would take me out of my comfort zone. Whether it was going to my cousin's for a sleep over or going for a few days camping trip with friends or the first day of a new school year. I would be terrified, I would cry to my mom's and I remember her trying to help me, to open up about how I was feeling but I didn't know how nor did I know that it was anxiety that was boring a hole in me.
People are often surprise when I talk to them about having been through a depression or a burn out and that I struggle with anxiety. Most of my entourage, my friends, my colleague and even my family have known me as a strong person. Someone that plows through life and will go after what she wants. I wasn't aware of my anxiety issues until 5 years ago. I had been living with it all my life, like a shadow shining dark thoughts on everything I was going. I had carved my life around it, building some "imaginary" limitations because of it. My soul was trying to shine through, but because I was not truly in touch with myself, anxiety would manifest itself. Through physical pain, through low self esteem, to eventually sending me crashing down into a depression.
At that point, even the smallest decision seemed so big and every situation so stressful. I was ashamed, that me, the strong person had to stop working, couldn't even make myself dinner or decide what I was going to do with my day. I had lost myself completely, because really I didn't know who I was. My anxiety having completely consumed me. My mind had programmed itself to deal with it, and really not in the best way. It had programmed itself to ignore what I was feeling. I had no idea.
Because I carried my struggle with anxiety throughout the earlier part of my life, it took a toll on my soul and my mind. In my early 20's, I had a first episode where it manifested itself in a more important way. I was out in the working world, and one day, my body decided to tell me that it was time take time for myself. I felt pain in my body, in my joints, my muscle, all over my body. I went to see my doctor, we did all the test she could think could help us figure out what was wrong. We couldn't find anything, all the tests came back negative. She prescribed some time off from work, and diagnose my condition as fybromialgia. A condition that I know refer too as, she didn't know what was wrong with me.
After a few weeks at home, I was able to return to work and go back to a 'normal' life. I had no idea that I suffered the first episode of a burn out or depression. I wasn't aware of the sign, and because I was strong enough and a smart mind, I was able to find a way around it and keep on pushing.
A little over 3 years after, after two promotions at work, buyer a house, getting married, building my life around the expectation of society, it happened again. We were in the process of selling our house, I was training a new employee at work, my boss at the time was away on sick-leave and I was involved heavily into some community activities. My body and my soul decided that this time, I was really going to have to deal with it. From one night to the next, I stopped sleeping. I lost all sense of myself and the strong person that I had. I remember packing, just after we had sold our house, and not knowing where to start. Needing to have my husband guide me through every steps, because I just could't make sense of everything. This went on for more than 3 months. I had to take a leave from work. Not did I know that during that period of time, I was going to find myself.
We hear it from lots of people, that they went through a challenging period of their life and they finally found themselves. I thought before it really sounded like a cliché, and those people were just trying to make it look like it was something more than it really was. Oh my god, was I ever wrong.
Hitting rock bottom is probably the best thing that could have ever happened to me. It stripped me from all those walls that I had built, leaving me raw to discover myself and all the possibilities.
Damn was it ever scary at first. Scary because I had never exposed myself, I had never left myself so vulnerable. I had lost all my bearings, I was left with nothing to hide.
It's like I was sent outside in the cold and rain to go climb a mountain, without anything to protect myself. That mountain was huge and I didn't know where I was going to start.
It took me a few months to make the first steps. I stayed at the bottom of the mountain, thinking about how my life was going to move on, and for a good part of that time, thinking that I was never going to get out of it and that my life was most likely over.
I am not really sure how it happened, I think life was looking out for me. As I was trying to find some help, desperately trying to find a way out of my misery, I crossed path with the person that was going to show me the way. The help that I had always needed, but never truly seek until then.
It was hard work, and I didn't really know how things were going to end. I was certainly not confident about the process at the beginning and it took a while for me to start believing that there was going to be a way out. We had to re-write the story of my thoughts. A story that I had spent almost 30 years of my life writing. It was hard, and sometime still hard today and I still catch myself. My anxiety and my mind working together for all those years had modelled different ways of thinking and how I addressed different situation.
Now, we had to change those paths. Instead of thinking with my mind, and avoiding all the emotions I was feeling, I had to start feeling from within and myself choices and decisions consciously. I had to make decision based on what I really wanted for myself, and make decision because it felt right for me and not based on what society of my entourage was expecting of me. I was re-borned and life had so many opportunities ahead.
It took some time, but after many months change started to happened. It was an amazing feeling, to finally feel free from all that weight, and for the first time in my life being in touch with my soul. I know it's sounds cheesy, and I would have been the first one telling you it did until I went through it myself.
It's been many years now since my breakdown, and I still work on my soul and my thoughts everyday. I still seek help when I need it but most likely I have been able to built trust with the people that support me on a daily basis. Anxiety is still part of my life and probably my DNA, but I am able to manage it better now because I am aware of it. I know myself and I know when it's time to step out and take the time to ground myself.
There's no secret recipe and no magic bullet in dealing with anxiety or mental illness. Everyone had their own journey and path to take. I just hope by sharing my journey with people, that it will give some hope and others perhaps a little bit more understanding of their loved one struggles.
-
I was reading this blog post by Clara Hughes a few weeks ago. Clara Hugues who is the face of the Bell Let's Talk campaign on Mental Health and Illness, was telling us that she needed to take a break. After some physical health problems and the Bell Let's talk campaign, she was taking a step back from all of it, to deal with a relapse into depression.
We all know Clara for her big smile, upbeat personally, ambassador for Mental Health and other amazing organization, Olympic Medalist on multiple occasions and just tremandous athlete. She has had struggles with mental illness since her young age. It's hard to believe coming from at person who we would have all thought was a rock and really un-breakable, before reading about it and hearing her talk about it.
It goes to show, that mental illness doesn't always have a face, and often, we can't even tell from the outside, that a person is really struggling on the inside. It also goes to show, that even if you have a strong sense of awareness of your issues, and have learned how to 'deal' with it, we can all have days where it creeps in, gets to us and bring us down.
-
He's dealing with anxiety. It was said so carelessly, like when we diagnose ourselves with a cold or a flu. Not that the person who was saying it didn't care, but I don't think she truly understood what it meant, living with anxiety.
Anxiety is more complex than just a word. It's not a label you put onto someone's struggle. Until you've experienced it, it's really hard to explain the immensity of the battle. The immensity of the weight it puts on a person that has been living with it through it's whole life.
It can really stop you in your tracks. You have this feeling that there's a big hole in your soul. That hole will manifest itself in many circumstances. It paralyzes you. For example it will stop you from making a simple decision, because you can't figure out what you really want. It will stop you from attending some social events, because you have a have already difficulties living with your own thoughts and the fear of having to face other people is just too much to bear. It makes everything just so much bigger than it really is, much more complicated. It's incredible, that your mind can have such a grab on your life.
It's also very hard to find a way out of it. Some will and others will face the struggle through their whole life. If you are lucky enough, to find the help or decide that it's time to change some things, it will be very hard work and often scary because you have never been in touch with your emotions before and your soul. I was lucky enough to find a way out, not before hitting rock bottom.
-
I remember as a young child and adolescent, how much I was terrified of doing anything that would take me out of my comfort zone. Whether it was going to my cousin's for a sleep over or going for a few days camping trip with friends or the first day of a new school year. I would be terrified, I would cry to my mom's and I remember her trying to help me, to open up about how I was feeling but I didn't know how nor did I know that it was anxiety that was boring a hole in me.
People are often surprise when I talk to them about having been through a depression or a burn out and that I struggle with anxiety. Most of my entourage, my friends, my colleague and even my family have known me as a strong person. Someone that plows through life and will go after what she wants. I wasn't aware of my anxiety issues until 5 years ago. I had been living with it all my life, like a shadow shining dark thoughts on everything I was going. I had carved my life around it, building some "imaginary" limitations because of it. My soul was trying to shine through, but because I was not truly in touch with myself, anxiety would manifest itself. Through physical pain, through low self esteem, to eventually sending me crashing down into a depression.
At that point, even the smallest decision seemed so big and every situation so stressful. I was ashamed, that me, the strong person had to stop working, couldn't even make myself dinner or decide what I was going to do with my day. I had lost myself completely, because really I didn't know who I was. My anxiety having completely consumed me. My mind had programmed itself to deal with it, and really not in the best way. It had programmed itself to ignore what I was feeling. I had no idea.
Because I carried my struggle with anxiety throughout the earlier part of my life, it took a toll on my soul and my mind. In my early 20's, I had a first episode where it manifested itself in a more important way. I was out in the working world, and one day, my body decided to tell me that it was time take time for myself. I felt pain in my body, in my joints, my muscle, all over my body. I went to see my doctor, we did all the test she could think could help us figure out what was wrong. We couldn't find anything, all the tests came back negative. She prescribed some time off from work, and diagnose my condition as fybromialgia. A condition that I know refer too as, she didn't know what was wrong with me.
After a few weeks at home, I was able to return to work and go back to a 'normal' life. I had no idea that I suffered the first episode of a burn out or depression. I wasn't aware of the sign, and because I was strong enough and a smart mind, I was able to find a way around it and keep on pushing.
A little over 3 years after, after two promotions at work, buyer a house, getting married, building my life around the expectation of society, it happened again. We were in the process of selling our house, I was training a new employee at work, my boss at the time was away on sick-leave and I was involved heavily into some community activities. My body and my soul decided that this time, I was really going to have to deal with it. From one night to the next, I stopped sleeping. I lost all sense of myself and the strong person that I had. I remember packing, just after we had sold our house, and not knowing where to start. Needing to have my husband guide me through every steps, because I just could't make sense of everything. This went on for more than 3 months. I had to take a leave from work. Not did I know that during that period of time, I was going to find myself.
We hear it from lots of people, that they went through a challenging period of their life and they finally found themselves. I thought before it really sounded like a cliché, and those people were just trying to make it look like it was something more than it really was. Oh my god, was I ever wrong.
Hitting rock bottom is probably the best thing that could have ever happened to me. It stripped me from all those walls that I had built, leaving me raw to discover myself and all the possibilities.
Damn was it ever scary at first. Scary because I had never exposed myself, I had never left myself so vulnerable. I had lost all my bearings, I was left with nothing to hide.
It's like I was sent outside in the cold and rain to go climb a mountain, without anything to protect myself. That mountain was huge and I didn't know where I was going to start.
It took me a few months to make the first steps. I stayed at the bottom of the mountain, thinking about how my life was going to move on, and for a good part of that time, thinking that I was never going to get out of it and that my life was most likely over.
I am not really sure how it happened, I think life was looking out for me. As I was trying to find some help, desperately trying to find a way out of my misery, I crossed path with the person that was going to show me the way. The help that I had always needed, but never truly seek until then.
It was hard work, and I didn't really know how things were going to end. I was certainly not confident about the process at the beginning and it took a while for me to start believing that there was going to be a way out. We had to re-write the story of my thoughts. A story that I had spent almost 30 years of my life writing. It was hard, and sometime still hard today and I still catch myself. My anxiety and my mind working together for all those years had modelled different ways of thinking and how I addressed different situation.
Now, we had to change those paths. Instead of thinking with my mind, and avoiding all the emotions I was feeling, I had to start feeling from within and myself choices and decisions consciously. I had to make decision based on what I really wanted for myself, and make decision because it felt right for me and not based on what society of my entourage was expecting of me. I was re-borned and life had so many opportunities ahead.
It took some time, but after many months change started to happened. It was an amazing feeling, to finally feel free from all that weight, and for the first time in my life being in touch with my soul. I know it's sounds cheesy, and I would have been the first one telling you it did until I went through it myself.
It's been many years now since my breakdown, and I still work on my soul and my thoughts everyday. I still seek help when I need it but most likely I have been able to built trust with the people that support me on a daily basis. Anxiety is still part of my life and probably my DNA, but I am able to manage it better now because I am aware of it. I know myself and I know when it's time to step out and take the time to ground myself.
There's no secret recipe and no magic bullet in dealing with anxiety or mental illness. Everyone had their own journey and path to take. I just hope by sharing my journey with people, that it will give some hope and others perhaps a little bit more understanding of their loved one struggles.
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