A Great Reminder, Ego and Drama!
A few days ago, I started writing about drama and ego, and their places in our day to day life. I really wanted to write about it but I was finding it hard to find the right words or the right view to approach it. All of a sudden, life happened, a few days ago.
Ego and drama used to take a lot of place into my life in it's earlier stage. There was a good part of my life when I let my ego drive me, and created a whole lot of drama in my life and thoughts. It affected the way I approach life, relationships, work and more. One day, my soul and body decided that it was time to let go of it. The only way this was going to ever happen, because trust me I was doing everything to ignore the signs, was for me to hit a wall.
That wall was a hard and brutal one. Throwing me on my back and really not allowing me to get up and keep going like I had been doing for the greatest part of my life. It was time to figure myself out and time to get better understanding of life and my purpose in it.
Through more than three long months and lots of hard work, I was able to do that. It did take some time and at the beginning I didn't really know that I could do it. My luck was, that amongst some of my qualities, perseverance (stubbornness; I think it's a word lol) and lack of patience were some of my stronger assets in this whole process. I also found some great help and developed a strong connection with a therapist that walked with me through the whole process.
Initially I would put in the work, get out of the session, felt a little better but I didn't have a sense of 'this is it'. Soul searching is not easy. Especially when you've never actually believe in that "kind of crap". There were lots of layers to break through, especially when you've been working so long to build them in order to "protect" yourself from the world. In going through those steps and bringing down the layers one at a time, I started to get a sense of better awareness and getting out of my dark hole. I still remember the day, when I got back home, from a great discussion and finally saw the big picture and felt things through my soul. I didn't have the answer to everything, and I still work on things even more than 4 years after, but I had this feeling of great joy and this feeling of love. A feeling of love for myself. This was a grand moment for me, because it had never really happened to me, as my ego and drama were stopping me for truly being and seeing myself for who I am. For the first time in my life, I was free and truly believed it. Free from others expectations, free from my ego and free from drama. It opened up a world of opportunities and possibilities.
Being aware and in touch with your soul doesn't make you immune to ego or drama. Sometimes it creeps up into your life when you are face to some unforseen situation. I was faced with a situation like that a few days ago, and my mind went into overdrive. It really seemed like the end of the world at that time. I really felt like I had failed myself, my family and my whole entourage. I was in drama mode and I really lost sights of the "whole picture". I was in pain and hurting. The next day I woke up with this ache in my stomach. I was beating myself up and my soul was hurting. I really felt like I was in a trap, because I had no control about the situation and I felt so bad for what I did. Why didn't I make a different choice? Why didn't I listen to my intuition and it told me to take another path? I am a terrible person? It went on and on and on.
The thing is, sometimes I am still hard on myself and I forget that we can all make mistakes sometimes. The way I reacted to the situation was over the top yes, but it's because my ego was taking a huge blast. Was it ok to be upset, I think so. Did I need to let my mind get into a spinning wheel, perhaps not. I don't know if I would react differently if was to happen all over again, but the only thing I can do it to learn from it and to forgive myself.
Forgive myself for not listening to my intuition and knowing better. Forgive myself for thinking of the worst and beating myself down for a mistake. Forgive myself for thinking less of me than the great person then I am. Forgive myself thinking that people were going to think less of me because of it.
It was great remainder, that I am a human being and that I will make mistake along the way. That everyday I will have opportunities to learn and grow as a human being. It will also help me to strengthen my believe that no matter what, I am a good person. I live my life with good intentions, I take care of myself and the people that I love. I try to not judge people for their actions, knowing that they sometimes are just lost as I was at some point in my life.
In the end, the greatest judgement comes from myself, not from the people of my entourage, who are meaningful in my life. In general, this experience has been showing me that I am truly blessed to have family and friends that I can trust, and who support me.
You experience, you learn and in the end, become a better person everyday because of it. Overall, living your life through your soul, and following your path, is the most amazing journey of all.
The thing is, sometimes I am still hard on myself and I forget that we can all make mistakes sometimes. The way I reacted to the situation was over the top yes, but it's because my ego was taking a huge blast. Was it ok to be upset, I think so. Did I need to let my mind get into a spinning wheel, perhaps not. I don't know if I would react differently if was to happen all over again, but the only thing I can do it to learn from it and to forgive myself.
Forgive myself for not listening to my intuition and knowing better. Forgive myself for thinking of the worst and beating myself down for a mistake. Forgive myself for thinking less of me than the great person then I am. Forgive myself thinking that people were going to think less of me because of it.
It was great remainder, that I am a human being and that I will make mistake along the way. That everyday I will have opportunities to learn and grow as a human being. It will also help me to strengthen my believe that no matter what, I am a good person. I live my life with good intentions, I take care of myself and the people that I love. I try to not judge people for their actions, knowing that they sometimes are just lost as I was at some point in my life.
In the end, the greatest judgement comes from myself, not from the people of my entourage, who are meaningful in my life. In general, this experience has been showing me that I am truly blessed to have family and friends that I can trust, and who support me.
You experience, you learn and in the end, become a better person everyday because of it. Overall, living your life through your soul, and following your path, is the most amazing journey of all.
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